Top 10 Conquerors (Square Ft.)
10 | Hernán Cortés (315,000)
See that ugly old man up there with the hat? Well the asshole above brought down the Aztecs and pretty much conquered all of Mexico (or pretty much just the gold). With the their shiny plates of steel they charged into the mighty advanced Aztec capitol of Tenochtitlan and faced a army of twenty thousand of natives defending the city! No I lied. The Emperor Moctezuma II was high as fuck (who apparently didn’t know about the massacres going on) and thought Hernán was a god and shit, so what did the fool do? He invited them all in hoping to learn more about them, by showing off the gold they had. I’ll just make this short story short, Hernán just took him hostage then his people killed him later. Now he was now magically the governor and conqueror of New Spain (later on Mexico). He later died after some years.
9 | Francisco Pizarro (480,000)
This man is Sr. Badass’s distant cousin, they were probably in a rivalry or something like that because this guy managed to conquer even more than the ugly old man above! Then again it took a shitload of tries to take it all. Unlike his cousin above he didn’t get to take the emperor hostage easily without ambushing him, then he just made the Emperor Atahualpa’s people pay one of the largest ransoms of gold for him back but then changed his mind and just killed him. So a year later he attacked Cuzco (not the Disney one) the capital and it fell followed by the Inca Empire. The End! Then he got a shitty province and some assassins stormed into his palace and had his throat split then screamed for Jesus. Sr. Badass’s death wasn’t this interesting!
8 | Mahmud of Ghazni (680,000)
You probably never heard of this guy because you live in America and only heard about the George Washington and great Europeans only. You also probably never heard of the title of “Sultan” which is pretty much a King, well this man was the first one to carry it and he made sure that people remember that he was, by destroying entire kingdoms then kept his ass invading India once in a while. He raided and plundered kingdoms or temples whenever he was in India making him a dick. It took 30 campaigns to conquer that much. He died peacefully swimming in his riches, I mean in malaria.
7 | Napoleon Bonaparte (720,000)
See the chubby white kid up there? You probably heard of him, the short midget who raped all of Europe but couldn’t eat all of the cake. It’s kind of ironic that the French went through a revolution to get rid of the monarchy to have one back on the throne in a few years, then again he was a war hero, by raping the coalitions against France and making much of mainland Europe under his control and also satellites, now he decided to be greedy and eat all of the cake and threw up a lot, now he’s on some island. Now he escaped again to get more cake but now he’s back on another island. He dies there. And now it ends there. I lied again, he had relatives who took over afterwards.
6 | Adolf Hitler (1,370,000)
We all know this guy because we all had to know America came in and single handily smashed the Nazis and west Nazi Germany was turning Soviet Red for apparently no reason. So this asshole pretty much seduced the German population after he got one of his testicle shot off during Great War. Now he became the chancellor of Germany, then he made the Third Reich and allied himself with the dumbest leader in Europe, Benito the balled headed man. Now he decided invade Poland with the Soviet Union, and guess what happened? World World Two started because of his dick move, he later on took most of Europe but like Napoleon, he just didn’t realize the cake wouldn’t fit in his stomach. He took on the Soviet Union. Now he pretty much screwed up and lost all his territory and committed suicide like a wuss.
5 | Attila the Rapist (1,450,000)
So apparently blogspot doesn’t allow you showing a man with a deformed skull shoving his cock into a pink country, so in replacement of it I’m showing you a picture of Atilla looking like some alien. So what did this guy do? He took control of his tribe (probably killing his brother in the progress) and became one of the many barbaric tribes to start invading Rome. So apparently the Emperor in the West had a sister who sent Attila a ring offering half of the provinces of the Empire to free her, not only did he accepted it, he assumed it was a marriage proposal. So the Emperor realize what his sister did and refused the marriage, so what happened next? Attila magically overran much of France and Germany then eventually stopped. Cool. The End. I lied again, he then invaded Italy where the Romans there were scared so much that they pissed their pants, then to their luck, the Huns ran out of human meat to eat. Then he died choking on his own blood while celebrating his marriage to some random princess. Later his three sons would inherit the Hunnic Empire then it crumbled due to a fail invasion and succession issues.
4| Cyrus the Great (2,090,000)
Few men deserve the title “the Great” and this happens to be the one that stands out (fuck you Alexander). He was both in conquest and administration, I mean who seriously cared about human rights back then? Also he created the Achaemenid Empire and would even eventually conquer the Empire that his father feared. Then eventually conquered many others to only be slain by some tribe you never heard of. For the next few centuries, his descendent’s would rule the largest empire the world had yet to seen.
3 | Timur the Lame (2,145,000)
It doesn’t even matter if you see one of his other names, you probably don’t even know this guy. Why? Because apparently no one likes to talk about the break of the Mongolian Empire, they only like the rise with Genghis Khan but don’t even know Sabutai. Either that or America only teach you bullshit about George Washington and won’t tell you about great Islamic conquerors like this guy. So he was considered a military genius and a god tactician by causing 17 million people to die. For 35 years he campaigned over and over, making battle hardened troops. Dynasties and empires kept on falling and falling everywhere he went, then died trying to conquer Ming China.
2 | Alexander the Great (2,180,000)
If you never heard of this guy at least once, then I have no idea how the fuck you’re in a history class much less on my blog. Really I don’t even need to write about him but I have to. So his dad died after conquering Greece so the son takes over then invades the Achaemenid Empire (Persia) then Cyrus’s descendant Darius III (a shitty military commander) creates a gold plated army and faces Alexander who was out numbered by Darius and magically lost and ran away leaving his family behind (dick move). Alexander was probably homosexual and didn’t have any kids to inherit his vast empire, magically died at a young age probably of his trip to Egypt long time ago. Then his Empire fell just as fast as it was built. He probably did more in death than in life.
1 | Genghis Khan (4,860,000)
This fat old man with his fat cock impregnated so many women that he probably has around 20 million direct decedents but that’s not what I’m supposed to write about. So he pretty much united his Mongolian tribes and conquered a shit load of empires and dynasties then died and his Empire went to his son who could’ve conquered all of Europe if it wasn’t for his drinking problem. So what have we learned? He made the biggest empire in the world, Mongolians blended with the Persians, he spread his seed all around Asia. And apparently the guy who did everything didn’t get much credit, his name? Subutai.
This is my first “real” post. I hoped you enjoyed it. 🙂
Please also leave a comment about what you think about it!
Hi there!
Hello there!
Hello, welcome to my blog! I just like to write about random things so stay tuned for information and things! Also my name is William.
Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/user/SIDRune
Follow: https://twitter.com/#!/SIDRune
I’ll add more later! 🙂







